Barf of the Bedazzler Read online

  And then we hear it.

  “HAHAHAHAHA!” The insane laughter echoes around the cavern, a raspy cackle that sends a frozen shiver of fear racing down my spine. “No,” says the eerie voice. “The ship is not alive. And neither am I.”

  Up on the head of the shipwreck creature, near the captain’s wheel. A bony hand emerges. Dragging with it … a body. A skeletal body.

  Ribs show through the torn chef’s coat it wears. Wiry hair sprouts from the skull like crabgrass. Green light peers down upon us from within the empty eye sockets.

  “Look, Tangerine,” the skeleton hisses. “More thieves. Come to take my scrumptious flatbread.”

  My mind races. To Kevin’s Monster Museum. To his bedazzler statue. To his minotaur statue. To his …

  “Well I’ll be a jolly roger,” mutters Pan.

  My knees go weak.

  Because this is Juliette Kidd.

  But she’s no longer Juliette Kidd.

  The Magician of the Kitchen … is a lich.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  TickTock grips my robes in terror. “Something is telling TickTock that Juliette Kidd’s magic did not just preserve her ship and her flatbread.”

  “It preserved her, too,” Moxie whispers, her throat catching. “She’s a lich!”

  “So,” says the lich. “More thieves here for my flatbread? I can’t say I blame you. It was my greatest creation. Flaky. Golden. The perfect blend of seasoning. Just a touch of cheese.” The lich seems lost in the memory. “Sounds delicious, doesn’t it?” it asks playfully.

  I nod. We all do.

  “But thanks to that despicable kraken, I’ll never taste it.” It gnashes its teeth together. “I’ll never taste anything again!”

  Pan steps forward cockily, twirling her makeshift bo staff. “How sad ye story be,” she sneers at the lich. “Makes me want to go boo-hoo in me grog!”

  “Pan!” Moxie hisses. She shakes her head in anger. “Fart, I could just throttle you.”

  I reach out to tug my elf friend back. “Pan! Stop!” I plead. “Please!”

  But Pan ignores me. “Seems a crying shame to let such a tasty morsel go to waste,” she calls to the lich. “Why not let Pan the Perilous take that wee flatbread off your hands?”

  “NO!” roars the lich, stomping its bony foot. “If I can’t taste it, no one can!”

  Pan shrugs at us with a jaunty grin. “Nobody can say I didn’t try to reason with the beastie!” She turns, lets out a bloodcurdling howl, and leaps toward the creature.

  “Elf-girl!” TickTock cries.

  Moxie grips her meat tenderizer tightly. “So what’s the plan, Fart?”

  “I don’t know,” I say helplessly. “Pan is usually the one with the plan.”

  “Yeah,” she says, shooting me an angry glare. “I know.”

  My mind races. “Moxie, tell me everything you know about liches!”

  The anger and panic leave her as she thumbs through the book in her hand. “They are powerful spell-casters. They can mortally wound you just with their freezing touch. Only powerful magic or silver weapons can hurt them…”

  “Silver weapons!” cries TickTock, his eyes lighting up.

  “I know!” says Moxie in frustration. “If only we had a silver weapon!”

  “Hammer-girl!” yells TickTock, pointing. “You are having silver right there in your hand!”

  Moxie drops the book and lifts the meat tenderizer. A wicked grin passes over her face. With a bellow, she charges the golem.

  The wooden creature swipes madly at Pan, but the elf dodges the anchor-tipped arm and leaps onto the golem, climbing toward the lich. The lich lobs magic arrows at the elf, but even in pirate mode Pan is too nimble for words.

  TickTock tries to web the golem’s wooden legs together, but the creature is too strong, and the webs tear away like tissue. Bucket gets a wooden arm to the gut and goes flying.

  I stay put. Doing nothing. I hate myself for it. For standing there uselessly and watching my friends do battle. But after the last kick in the ribs, I’m wary. Plus what could I really do?

  I could hurl a few Magic Missiles. It might do a little damage.

  Gas Attack is worthless against the nonliving.

  Even Feather Friend won’t help. No birds down here.

  Pan leaps onto the shoulder of the shipwreck golem. Moxie pounds the golem viciously, sending wood chips flying.

  I look down. Moxie’s book lies at my feet, open to the page on liches. I snatch it up and skim Buzzlock’s notes.

  Liches can cast powerful magic.

  Their freezing touch can cause mortal wounds.

  Only silver weapons can hurt them.

  They keep their souls in a soul silo, an object of special significance to them. Gaining possession of the soul silo weakens the lich.

  Wait! Soul silo.

  I hear a roar of pain and look up from the page.

  “PAN!” I start to run to her side, but now the golem has Moxie in its grasp.

  It raises her into the air. She beats her meat tenderizer brutally on the wooden doors that cover its chest, the spiky utensil embedding into the wood and sticking fast. She tugs in frustration, biceps bulging, trying to free her only weapon.

  CRAAAACKKK!

  The hinges of the door rip away. Wood splinters as the door drops to the wet stone below. A ray of blinding green light billows forth from the creature’s chest. And I see it.

  The source of the green glow. The heart of the golem. Our prize.

  It’s the flatbread.

  An object of special significance to the lich. Of course! The flatbread is the soul silo.

  “PREPARE FOR OBLIVION, THIEF!” roars the lich. The golem tightens its grip on Moxie, and she screams out in pain.

  Water sloshes against my leg.

  Ocean water.

  Crud on a cracker. The tide is coming back in.

  Bucket has limped over to help Pan. She’s wounded but conscious. Thank goodness.

  I have to do something to help Moxie. To save her. Even if I’m a pathetic fighter. I won’t just stand here. I must defend my friends.

  I reach for the silver dagger on my belt. Gone. Lost in the fight with the gnoll. But that’s when I feel them. Tucked into the inner pocket of my robes.

  My magic scrolls.

  I forgot all about them. Three scrolls of powerful magic. Squiddly-Diddly. Stone to String Cheese. And Barlowe’s Belching Bubble.

  Powerful spells, beyond my ability. But according to Kevin, all I have to do is read the words.

  Unfurling a parchment, I speak the words on the page:

  “Shirak cecestia.

  Crustasea manos.

  Tentacula spectacula.

  Octaciencia splendiferencia!”

  My hands. They feel weird.

  “That’s right, Tangerine!” shouts the lich. “Squeeze my enemies to pulp!”

  Moxie releases a howl of pain as the scroll burns to ashes in my fingers.

  Suddenly giant pink strands shoot from my arms. They wave around, writhing like seaweed.

  No. Not seaweed.

  Tentacles.

  I have become a giant squid.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  Well, Squiddly-Diddly.

  I wrap four of the tentacles around the wooden arm that’s crushing Moxie. I yank hard, pulling the creature off-balance. Moxie squirms free, splashing into the rising waters below.

  I have absolute control of these squid arms. And massive strength.

  But the golem is strong too. Strong enough to rip a kraken in half. It tugs against my tentacles, trying to regain its footing.

  “Well!” cackles the lich. “Looks like we have another magician in the kitchen!”

  The golem swings its anchor arm down, severing one of my tentacles with a squelch. I feel no pain, but now I’m one tentacle short of a full squid. Luckily I have seven more.

  Reaching out, I wrap two around the anchor arm.

  Two more grab a leg.

&
nbsp; One clutches the other leg. And I pull with all my strength. Normal Fart is pretty weak. But Squiddly-Diddly Fart is mighty.

  The lich slings a lightning bolt at me. I manage to block it with a tentacle, and it absorbs into the rubbery flesh with a fizzle.

  “Moxie! TickTock! Bucket!” I roar to my friends. “Get the soul silo!”

  “Get what now?” asks Bucket.

  “The flatbread!” I cry, straining to hold the golem at bay. “Once we possess the flatbread, we’ll be able to destroy the lich!”

  TickTock’s eyes glow with understanding. Already the phibling is sticky-walking up the golem with his gecko-like feet. Making a beeline for the golem’s chest. For the Kraken’s Flatbread.

  But the lich sees what we’re up to.

  “NO!” it roars. Lightning crackles from its fingertips. TickTock leaps deftly aside, barely dodging the scorching bolts.

  Reaching into the golem’s chest, the phibling tugs. The flatbread is almost as big as he is.

  The golem roars, wrenching itself from my Squiddly grip. “Hurry, TickTock!”

  The phibling grunts, pulling with all his might.

  POP!

  All eyes follow his descent as he drops into the rising waters. Furious, the lich sends a barrage of green glowing arrows exploding into the water where the phibling fell. For a long moment, time seems to freeze in place.

  But then TickTock emerges, the glowing flatbread held over his head.

  * * *

  SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!

  Snag a Lich’s Soul Silo!

  (400 Experience Points Awarded)

  * * *

  “HOW DARE YOU!” bellows the lich, contorting in pain.

  But its voice has lost some of its power. The light in its vacant eye sockets has dimmed. The lich has been weakened.

  “Now, Moxie!” I cry, gripping the golem with all my might. “We have the soul silo!”

  “Hammer-girl!” yells TickTock. “It is being silver hammer time!”

  Moxie clenches the meat tenderizer, glaring at the lich. “Hold that golem tight, Fart!” she cries.

  “I’m trying!” I shout, my tentacles taut with the strain.

  The lich knows we’re coming for it. And it knows how to stop us.

  By taking out the one thing that’s holding back its precious Tangerine.

  Me.

  “Acerak con sagavel chelamshathasalmagoritharr!” the lich roars. Its hands, spread wide, glow red with terrible power.

  METEOR STORM!

  Bucket grabs the huge wooden door and shields Pan and TickTock with it.

  Moxie takes cover under her magical cloak.

  I dive under the waist-high water, pulling my tentacle arms over me as protection from the deadly barrage. Holding my breath, I sense the fiery meteors splashing around me. The water bubbles with churning heat. I hold my breath until my lungs feel like they’ll explode. Only then do I burst from the water.

  Three more of my tentacles have been scorched beyond recognition. Miraculously, I’m not a charcoal briquette. But I’m four tentacles down. This lich is turning my precious squid arms into sushi.

  “Bucket!” Moxie roars. “Get me up there!”

  Holding the scorched door over his head, Bucket dashes to Moxie. “Bucket got you, orange-hair girl!”

  With a flying leap, Moxie springs onto the door and Bucket flings her sky- ward.

  With the last of my strength, I coil my remaining four arms around the golem’s wooden limbs. And I tug.

  “Hurry, Moxie! Time’s up!” Whatever magic binds this golem together is on the verge of giving way. The ship splinters under my suckers. But I feel something else, too. A tingling in my arms.

  My spell is wearing off.

  The water is up to my chest. And rising.

  The lich faces Moxie. It points a finger at my friend. And it starts to utter the spell that will destroy Moxie once and for all.

  “Flameo c’est baller—acck!”

  “Eat wood, ye bony blowhard!” Pan cries. Hurt as she is, Pan has climbed up the golem’s other side. She smashes her driftwood staff across the lich’s skull, shattering the stick to splinters.

  The lich latches on to Pan’s arm with a bony grasp. A bloodcurdling shriek of pain escapes Pan’s lips at the creature’s freezing touch. She falls, dropping limply into the rising tide.

  “Why bother, mortals?” asks the lich. “Soon my chamber will be underwater once again. You will be dead. And I will reclaim my flatbread from your corpses with a smile.”

  “Try smiling without a head!” howls Moxie. Swinging the silver meat tenderizer, Moxie roars with all her might.

  KRACKEROOSKI!

  The skull flies from its skeletal body.

  Pulling an arm free from my weakening grasp, the golem catches the skull in midair. From its closed fist comes a hysterical high-pitched laugh.

  The golem’s wooden palm opens.

  The skull of Juliette Kidd smiles.

  “YOU FOOLS!” the skull croaks. “Severing my head will not end the Magician of the Kitchen! And now my sweet Tangerine will crush your skulls to dust.”

  The shipwreck golem is pulling free from my weakening grasp. I’m almost completely underwater.

  “You’re not the only cook in this kitchen, sister,” Moxie says with a grin. “And crushed skull sounds like a recipe for success!”

  The eye sockets glow no more. Because they have been smashed to smithereens.

  * * *

  SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!

  Defeat a Powerful Lich!

  (1,000 Experience Points Awarded)

  * * *

  I feel a shudder go through the shipwreck. With my last ounce of Squiddly strength, I grit my teeth. I strain so hard, I fear for the condition of my underpants.

  Timbers crack. Sails rip. Beams break.

  Moxie leaps from the hand of the golem, diving into the rising waters.

  With a final heave, the ship tears in half.

  Wreckage rains into the water below.

  Juliette Kidd and the Tangerine are finally at rest.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  Bucket has plucked Pan from the surging waters. She’s barely conscious and shivers with cold.

  TickTock tugs Moxie from the water, onto the floating wreckage of the golem.

  My tentacles tingle, shrinking back into normal arms.

  “Fart?” Pan calls to me weakly. “Did you … did you turn me into a pirate?”

  “Pan?” I swim over to her, grasping her in my arms.

  “I think your stupid spell is starting to wear off.” Her voice is mostly back to normal. She no longer has those black shark eyes. Her one eyebrow is cocked at me sternly.

  Oh, thank goodness.

  “Pan!” cries Moxie with relief.

  “I … I … I’m so sorry, Pan,” I begin.

  Bucket props her up. “I can’t believe you did that,” Pan moans. “You turned me into a pirate.”

  “I know,” I groan.

  “I was there, inside my head, but I had no control,” she says in a shuddering breath. “It was like being back in the muck-elf prison, but this time the prison was my mind.”

  There’s nothing for me to say. I hang my head, ashamed to meet her gaze. I wouldn’t be surprised if she never speaks to me again.

  “Look at me,” says Pan. My vision wobbles with tears as I look into her eyes. “If you EVER use your magic against one of us again, I will NEVER forgive you.”

  Moxie grabs my shoulder. “That goes double for me,” she says sternly.

  “I promise,” I tell them. “No more Mind Control for me. I’m so sorry.” But then Pan’s words sink in. I look up hopefully. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

  She quirks an eyebrow and smirks. “Aye, matey,” she says. “This time.”

  Moxie lets out a whoop of relief. “Woo-hoo!” she cheers. “We got Pan back! And thanks to TickTock, we got the Kraken’s Flatbread!”

  “We are getting the flatbread as
a team!” the phibling says, beaming.

  “Don’t matter, friends,” says Bucket, pointing. “We all out of time.”

  He’s right. The rising waters have completely flooded the tunnel that leads back to the entrance. We are trapped. We bob to the ceiling as the salty waves quickly rise.

  I can’t believe it. After everything we’ve gone through, it ends like this.

  “Guys…” In these final moments, I want to express to them how much they mean to me. How glad I am that we’re ending things as friends. But I don’t have to.

  “I know, Fart,” says Moxie. “Me too.”

  There’s only four feet of air left.

  “Same here,” says Pan.

  Three feet of air left.

  Moxie turns to the phibling with realization. “TickTock! You can breathe water! You should take the flatbread and get out of here!”

  TickTock looks at the glowing flatbread and shakes his head. “TickTock not leaving his friends.”

  Bucket nods. “Bucket neither.”

  Two feet left.

  I struggle to stay afloat. I feel my spellbook weighing me down. I reach to unhook it. To release it from dragging me to the bottom too early. But my hand wraps around something else.

  My two remaining scrolls. One containing a spell called Stone to String Cheese.

  And one called Barlowe’s Belching Bubble.

  One foot of air left.

  I rip the scroll from my robes, unfurl it, and quickly read the words.

  “Globulealis oxyhyrdenium.

  Bubbalencia effervencia.

  Surrondem au’floatencia!”

  Zero feet of air left.

  We are submerged. Panic fills Moxie’s eyes. But deep in my gut, I feel a gurgling. A churning. Gas burbles up my throat, emerging from my mouth in a huge …

  “BRAAAAAWWWWPPP!”

  A belching bubble of air issues forth from my mouth, leaving me and my friends surrounded in a burp-scented bubble. Our own private lifesaving hamster ball.

  * * *