Barf of the Bedazzler Read online

SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!

  Save Your Friends from a Watery Grave!

  (250 Experience Points Awarded)

  * * *

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  “Fart, you sweet baby mage!” says Moxie.

  I am a sweet baby mage. No truer words were ever spoken.

  We are a mash of legs, arms, and heads, all squashed into the six-foot bubble that surrounds me. But we can breathe.

  “We is saved!” cheers Bucket.

  “Only for the moment,” I say. Our ball of air is being held at the top of the water-filled cavern. But if we don’t figure a way out of here, we’re finished when this spell wears off.

  “Don’t worry, friends,” says Ticktock with a determined look. “TickTock is being an excellent swimmer.”

  Giving the flatbread to Moxie, the phibling pushes against the wall of the bubble, easily passing through, into the waters beyond. He gives us a thumbs-up. It’s a weird sensation. I feel like a goldfish in a bowl.

  TickTock grabs the bubble. And starts swimming. He’s a great little swimmer. But he is wee and our bubble is big.

  Ticktock pushes a button on his belt. Out pops his Marvelous Spinning Pinwheel of Coolness. Not only does this gizmo get rid of outhouse stench like a champ, but the phibling slides his belt backward and his little propeller zoomy-zooms us nicely through the water.

  Thank goodness for this little guy.

  We pass the bones of the kraken. The spot where the Fluffy Unicorn Gang ambushed us. I see daylight ahead, coming from the cave entrance. TickTock pushes us through and our bubble bobs to the surface, bouncing on the choppy waves next to the Hag’s Hangnail.

  We made it. The bubble dissolves as the fresh air hits us.

  Everyone pulls themselves onto the slippery rocks. Alive. I can’t believe it.

  I yank the phibling into a hug. “TickTock, you were amazing.”

  “It is no problem!” TickTock says with a shrug. “TickTock is being Kevin’s number one helper-dude. Is good at being a helper.”

  “No,” says Pan weakly. “You are not a helper.”

  “Not a helper?” The phibling looks concerned.

  Moxie shakes her head. “No way,” she says, holding up the flatbread. “You’re the one who got the soul silo! We never would have defeated the lich without you.”

  I chime in. “You’re the one who got us out of the cave. We would have drowned without you.”

  “You saved me when the gurblins had me,” says Pan softly. “You are braver than half the monks I knew back at Krakentop Academy.”

  “You’re no helper,” I tell him. “You’re a hero.”

  TickTock’s eyes go wide. “Like Hammer-girl? Like elf-girl? Like Fart-boy?”

  “A baby hero,” I say with a giggle. “But still a hero.”

  TickTock gulps solemnly. “When TickTock’s village made TickTock leave, TickTock thought he would never find a place to belong. Was happy to become helper to Kevin, even though Kevin is bossy and eats too many eggs and keeps TickTock around only for his good inventions and breakfast-making skills.”

  He looks us over. Something has shifted in him. “But now TickTock has new family. And now TickTock knows what he is.”

  I choke. Not because of TickTock’s super-moving speech. But because there’s suddenly a dagger at my throat.

  “You’re a hero,” says a greasy voice in my ear. “I’m a hero. We’re all heroes.”

  It’s Weasel.

  “You made it,” he hisses. “I’m so glad. Unfortunately there can only be one winning team.” I hear the smile in his voice. He’s so pleased with himself. I can smell his rank breath. The guy needs to seriously up his dental-hygiene game. “Now hand over that flatbread or the mage gets skewered.”

  Mustering her strength, Pan stands up tall.

  TickTock pulls out his dagger with a shing.

  Bucket lifts his club onto his shoulder.

  And Moxie grips and ungrips her silver meat tenderizer.

  I see it in their eyes. There’s no way they are giving up this time. I’m so glad.

  “You tell them, mage!” Uncertainty creeps into Weasel’s voice. The dagger presses sharply into my throat. “You tell them to drop their weapons and give me that bit of treasure!”

  I clear my throat. “Hammer-girl?”

  Moxie tightens her grip on her meat tenderizer. “Yes?”

  “Oh good,” I say with a grin. “You know who you are again.”

  I snap my fingers. I twirl my wrists. I place a hand on Weasel’s arm.

  “Say it!” he hisses.

  I say it. Just three words. It’s just a baby spell. A Simple Suggestion, really. “Let me go.”

  He takes my Simple Suggestion. He releases his grip. And I duck.

  Moxie’s meat tenderizer flies through the air, slamming him hard in the chest. I hear the air oof from his lungs. His arms pinwheel, but the force of Moxie’s throw is too much. He topples backward into the raging surf.

  I reach out and snatch Moxie’s meat tenderizer right before it plops into the deep.

  Weasel splashes and squawks in the churning tide. I sigh and turn to my friends. They all glare at Weasel with distaste. And then Pan does it. She grabs a long strand of seaweed from the rocks. She coils it as good as any pirate could. And she throws the end to the frantically splashing Weasel.

  He grabs the seaweed with relief. And then I see a dark sneer pass over his face. A look that says we’re going to regret helping him.

  But that look quickly changes to panic. Because now the gurblins have him.

  They swarm him. Dozens of them.

  Pan pulls hard on the strands, trying to tug the helpless guy from the frothing waters. But it’s too late. The rope of seaweed goes limp. The frothing water calms.

  The gurblins are gone. Down into the murky deep. And so is Weasel.

  “I guess that’s the end of the Bad-Breath Bandits,” says Moxie.

  “You know what this means?” asks Pan. “We did it. We got the Kraken’s Flatbread. And we lived to tell the tale.”

  She’s right. But our quest is far from complete.

  Moxie holds out her hand. “Hey, thanks for saving my hammer, Fart.”

  I look at the silver tool in my hand. “I thought it was a meat tenderizer,” I say, raising an eyebrow at her.

  “Don’t be silly, Fart,” she says with a huge grin. “This is obviously a hammer.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  We stand victorious on the deck of the Death Knell.

  Pirates cheer for us.

  Cookie roars his approval.

  Even Ferny gets in on the action. “Don’t worry! You’ll always be losers in my book!”

  Gosh, I hate that plant.

  “WELL DONE!” roars First Mate Tidepool. “The captain awaits news of your return in his chambers. Come, lads and lassies! Your reward is nigh!”

  But Moxie looks down at her soggy, stained apron. “Give me a minute,” she says. “I need to run to the kitchen. I can’t go in front of the captain looking like this.”

  Oh no. Not back to the kitchen. Not back to the potatoes.

  “MAKE HASTE!” the gnome roars after her. “Captain Diremaw doesn’t like to be kept waiting!”

  Moxie dashes belowdecks. Two minutes later, she emerges.

  She doesn’t wear a filthy apron any longer. She doesn’t wear a clean apron. She’s wearing her armor. Her new silver hammer gleams from her belt.

  “Hammer-girl!” cheers TickTock.

  “Orange-hair girl!” exclaims Bucket.

  Pan and I breathe a sigh of relief. “Moxie,” we say in unison.

  “Wait a second, lass!” says Cookie in disappointment. “What happened to your apron?”

  She grins. “Apron? I’m a warrior. Why would a warrior wear an apron?”

  * * *

  SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!

  Regain Your Self-Confidence!

  (300 Experience Points Awarded)

  * * *

 
She holds aloft the Kraken’s Flatbread. It no longer glows green, as though being back above the surface has freed it from its protective shell.

  “Well!” roars Tidepool. “Now that we’re all changed and tidy, can we kindly go see the captain?”

  She holds open the door, and we enter the quarters of Diremaw the Dread. Golden objects sparkle from every corner. The glass domes of Diremaw’s precious collection glimmer.

  But the bedazzler sits on his cushy chair, looking over a map. “I guess we’ve wasted enough time here, Ms. Tidepool,” he says. “The tide is high. Let us make sail. I was foolish to think these recruits could recover that precious…”

  But now his sniffer is going. He smells something. And that something is still-warm, perfectly preserved flatbread. As fresh as the moment it came out of the oven.

  Realization hits the bedazzler as he turns his hideous eye upon us.

  “The Skullduggery Crew has returned, Captain,” says Ms. Tidepool.

  Diremaw floats from his chair over to where we stand. “You did it?!” he cries with disbelief.

  “Aye, Captain,” says Pan.

  His huge orb of a body splits into an enormous smile. “Well done, Skullduggery Crew! You shall have a place of honor on the crew of the Death Knell!”

  “Thank ye, Captain,” Pan says. I shoot her a look. “It will be our honor.”

  “I look forward to hearing all about your adventures within the Hag’s Hangnail!” cries the bedazzler. “But first things first!”

  Moxie steps forward holding the steaming flatbread. Diremaw inhales deeply. “I have waited for this moment for many an age. Today I taste the legendary flatbread of Juliette Kidd!”

  He looks over the perfectly flaky crust. The gooey melted cheese. The roasted tomatoes with just a hint of char. The sprinkling of fresh green herbs. It is truly a culinary treasure.

  And then he takes a huge bite.

  “Mmmmmmm,” moans the bedazzler, slowly chewing. “It’s so flaky. It’s so tender. It’s so…”

  His chewing slows. “There’s an odd flavor in there. It’s not the tomato. That is prepared to perfection. It’s not the blend of fourteen cheeses. That is exquisitely balanced. But there’s something else. Something not quite right…”

  A look of concern crosses his face. He coughs, spewing crumbs from his massive mouth. He’s turning a little green around the cheeks. “OH MY GOSH!” he cries in horror. “I know what it is! It’s … it’s … it’s…”

  Moxie is the only one quick enough to react. She grabs a golden urn and holds it under the hurling bedazzler’s mouth.

  * * *

  SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!

  Collect a Bedazzler’s Barf!

  (1,000 Experience Points Awarded)

  * * *

  The rest of us back away.

  Finally the retching stops.

  The bedazzler clears his throat. “I’m sorry you lot had to witness that! Give me a moment to myself.”

  “Aye, Captain!” says Tidepool in shock.

  We are ushered to the door. “Curse you, Juliette Kidd!” roars the bedazzler. “How could you? A master chef such as yourself! How could you cover your precious flatbread with the green demon weed? How could you cook with—”

  The door closes. We don’t hear the rest.

  But Moxie finishes for him. She puts the lid on the steaming urn of bedazzler barf.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  I always said it. Moxie is smart. Whether she believes it or not.

  “You did that?” I ask Moxie.

  She just grins from ear to ear. “What can I say? I’m a terrible cook.”

  Pan grips Moxie’s shoulder fondly. “It’s good to see you back to your old self again.”

  “You too,” Moxie says with a big smile. She holds up her silver mallet. “I guess I felt like my hammer was the one thing I had left of Master Redmane. But as I was smashing that lich skull, I realized … Master Redmane taught me that move. Anytime I wallop a baddie or splatter a monster, he’s there with me.”

  TickTock grabs Moxie in a hug. “Yay! Hammer-girl has returned!”

  Moxie giggles sheepishly. “I’m not all the way there yet. But I’ll get there. One step at a time.”

  One step at a time. I run my hand across my spellbook. The well-worn pages at the front of the book. The smoother less-used ones in the back. And I decide then and there … I’m going to hang out in the front of the book for now.

  Suddenly bells are ringing. A loud voice cries down from the crow’s nest. “Merchant ship! Off the starboard bow!”

  First Mate Tidepool runs to the rail. She pulls out a spyglass and peers through it. “Merchant ship, indeed. Nice fat one too. She’ll be bulging with treasure, ripe for the picking.” She hands the spyglass to Pan. “Get ready, Skullduggery Crew. Your first act of piracy awaits!”

  The tiny first mate dashes off, barking orders at the crew to weigh the anchor and trim the midmast and other sailor thingies that I don’t understand.

  I look at Pan nervously as she peers through the spyglass. “When we were in there with Diremaw, you said it would be an honor to be part of his crew.”

  “Yes,” she says, gazing into the horizon.

  “You were just faking, right?” I ask. “You’re not still a pirate, are you?”

  She turns to look at me. “What do you think, matey?”

  I take a breath. The sluggish merchant ship is drawing nearer and nearer as we gain on our prey. “I think you like boats. You like the order of a crew working together. And I think you’re good at this boat thing. It suits you.”

  She shoots me a swarthy grin. “Right ye are, me hearty.”

  I keep going. “But I know you. You are logical. And good and kind. Pan the Perilous would never have thrown a rope to Weasel. Only the real Pan would do that.”

  She leans in. “Then I think you have your answer,” she says with a smirk. “See, Fart? You don’t need a powerful spell like Mind Control.”

  “You see the best in your friends,” chimes in Moxie. “Even when they don’t see it themselves.”

  Pan grips my shoulders. “That will always be your most powerful magic.”

  TickTock yanks on Moxie’s magic cloak. “TickTock is not meaning to break up this touching moment, but we are almost at the merchant ship!”

  As if to underscore his words, Diremaw floats to the rail overlooking the main deck. He’s looking less green. He gauges the position of the setting sun. “It’s almost six o’clock, me hearties! Do your captain proud and we’ll be feasting by suppertime!”

  “HOORAY FOR DIREMAW THE DREAD!!!”

  TickTock bounces nervously from one foot to the other. “Oh no! What are we going to do?”

  Moxie grips and ungrips her hammer as she gazes at the fearful faces on the merchant ship. “We’re going to do what heroes do, TickTock.”

  TickTock puffs out his chest and draws his dagger. “We are going to help those merchants!”

  “Exactly,” says Pan.

  “Bucket want to help too,” the ogre chimes in. “Plus Bucket go where orange-hair girl go.”

  “You better get going,” Pan says. “I’ll meet you over there.” She turns and heads the other way.

  “Wait!” I cry. “Where are you going?”

  She adjusts her jade hair clip and shoots us a jaunty wink. “It’s almost six o’clock. And Pan the Perilous has an idea.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  “Prepare to board!” roars First Mate Tidepool.

  I grab the nearest free rope. I climb to the top of the rail. And I awkwardly swing over to the merchant vessel.

  Moxie, TickTock, and Bucket land right next to me. The merchants look terrified. They think they’re all going to die. And Diremaw isn’t helping matters.

  “You’re all going to die!” he roars from the other ship. But then he sees us. Pride fills his voice. “Learn from the Skullduggery Crew, lads!” he calls to his pirates. “Watch them set the example!”

&n
bsp; I turn to the men and women before us. Little kids hide behind their moms and dads. These are simple people, just trying to get from one place to another.

  I reach out to the nearest merchant. “We’re here to help you,” I tell him.

  “Get us out of here!” Moxie shouts. “We’ll try to hold the pirates off!”

  The merchant looks confused. But he runs off to sloop the poop deck or whatever thing gets this tub moving. We turn back to the Death Knell.

  The pirates pause, waiting. I realize they’re watching to see what we do. These new heroic crewmates who braved the Hag’s Hangnail and lived to tell the tale.

  I don’t keep them waiting. “Flimmity-flamesh,” I say. Cozy Camp. The first spell on the first page of the first section of my spellbook.

  One of the ropes catches fire and burns away in a pirate’s hand.

  “Flimmity-flamesh.” Another rope gone.

  “Flimmity-flamesh.” And another.

  In less than a minute, all the pirate ropes have been burned away.

  Diremaw’s smile evaporates. His huge head purples as the realization dawns on him … we’ve betrayed him. Rage distorts his features. His gemstones, glittering and rich in the candlelight of his quarters, now look gaudy and cheap in the sunlight. I’d even call them tacky if they hadn’t just started shooting death beams and disintegration rays at us.

  “DON’T JUST STAND THERE GAPING LIKE A BASKET OF HADDOCK!” he roars to his crew. “GET THEM!”

  With no ropes to swing on, the pirates pull out long planks and lay them across the gap between the two ships.

  The battle is on.

  I shoot a Magic Missile at a goblin pirate. He dodges it, plummeting off the plank into the sea below.

  “BUCKET!” I yell. “Knock down those planks!”

  The little ogre roars and starts bashing planks with his club. Several fall into the water, taking pirates with them.

  But the pirates keep coming. TickTock fires his web capsules at several of them. A red-skinned orc gets web-tangled and plunges into the deep. But several others make it across.