Barf of the Bedazzler
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Table of Contents
About the Author and Illustrator
Copyright Page
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To Ed, Todd, and Jerod, my first band of merry adventurers, for accompanying me to parts unknown
—A. R.
To Melissa, Max, Oscar, Virginia, and Charlie. Thanks for all the flowers. *wink wink* And to all of us on our own quests; it’s dangerous to go alone.
—C. K.
CHAPTER ONE
We are totally surrounded.
The spindernots are closing in fast. And they outnumber us ten to one.
Moxie, Pan, and I stand together. Warrior, monk, and mage. Dwarf, elf, and human. We form a triangle of awesomeness against these spidery foes.
I charge forward, ready to unleash my magic against these foul denizens of the forest. But some freaky unseen force holds me back. I am powerless! WHAT UNSPEAKABLE WITCHCRAFT IS AT WORK HERE?
“FART!” Pan calls to me. “Your robes are caught on that branch.”
Oh. Apparently there is no unspeakable witchcraft at work here. Just a grabby tree.
I tug hard. The branch snaps free, sending me face-first into the dirt. I bump against Moxie. Who drops her hammer. Which falls on Pan’s toe. Pan yowls in pain.
Dang. I was having such an empowering moment too.
My name is Fart.
Truth is, the three of us are not quite as mighty as I like to imagine. Really, we’re just Level 2 heroes. Barely a step above newbie apprentices.
So where does that leave us? Oh, yeah.
We are totally surrounded.
Sensing our weakness, the spindernots have regrouped. Spinning a wall of webs, they slowly close in on us.
Things are not going according to plan, so Moxie does what Moxie does best. Takes action.
She pulls a small pouch from her belt. It’s the magical bag of animal statues that she earned at the end of our last quest.
Gosh, I hope it does something cool.
She plucks a small figurine from the pouch and tosses it to the ground. It’s a tiny hippo, meticulously carved and super adorable.
POOF! The figurine disappears and a full-size hippopotamus takes its place. The hippo lets out an earsplitting roar and charges the spindernots, sending them skittering for cover.
Yep. It does something cool.
The distraction buys me enough time to get to my feet.
I mentally run through the list of spells that I know:
FART’S SPELL LIST
Gas Attack—My trademark spell
Feather Friend—I can talk to birds
Magic Missile—Shoots a flaming dart
Puppy Power—Turns baddies into puppies
Cozy Camp—Creates a small campfire. It’s a baby spell, but perfect for the job right now.
“Flimmity-flamesh.” A tiny magical fire sparks from my hands, burning away the closest webs.
Pan takes her cue. Using her monk ability to manipulate the elements, she sends the flames skittering across the webs, burning them away but carefully avoiding the trees. The last thing we want to do is torch the enchanted forest we were hired to protect.
We might not get paid. Plus Pan really loves trees.
Moxie’s hippo tramples several spindernots and bashes into a tree, sending more spindernots scattering for cover. Moxie chases after it, twirling her hammer like a whirlwind.
KA-BLAMMO!
With one mighty swing, she sends six spindernots flying through the air.
Wow. Moxie’s skills are getting impressive.
Pan snuffs out the flames, grabs her bo staff, and pole-vaults over the retreating spindernots. Doing a triple backflip, she lands and blocks their escape with her spinning staff.
Holy cow. I didn’t know Pan could even do that.
A little niggle of jealousy rears up in me. Pan and Moxie are becoming super powerful. And I’m still casting my cute little Cozy Camp. I reach into my mind, trying to muster the words to the new spell I’ve been memorizing. It’s time to show my friends that I can be impressive and amazing too.
I concentrate and mutter the magical words “Plaintanitar au musa!” Banana peels shoot from my palms. The spindernots slip. They slide.
The spindernots collapse in a heap. Moxie and the hippo leap upon them with abandon.
Dwarf hammer wallops. Hippo feet stomp.
KA-POW! KA-BLAM! KA-BLOOEY!
And, just like that, no more spindernots.
* * *
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Defeat a Horde of Spindernots!
(250 Experience Points Awarded)
* * *
Pan brushes dirt from her robes. “Nice work,” she says. “Though I hesitate to point out that an enormous hippo and flying banana peels were not part of our carefully constructed plan.”
Moxie shrugs. “What can I say? There were more spindernots than we thought. We had to improvise!”
The elf tucks her stray hair-wispies back into her topknot. “I am not a fan of improvisation.”
“Aw, come on,” says Moxie, shoving her playfully. “You’re no fun.”
“Fun?” says Pan. “I admit, fun is not my main priority.”
“Speaking of fun improvisation,” Moxie says, shooting me a huge smile, “Cute spell, banana brain! That was hilarious!”
“Cute?” I cry. “Hilarious? Don’t you mean impressive? And amazing?” I step toward our conquered foes, slip on a banana peel, and land on my butt.
“Well, that was impressive,” says Pan with a smirk. “You only fell down twice during that fight.”
I flush with embarrassment and chuck a banana peel at her. She dodges it easily and yanks me to my feet.
With the spindernots vanquished, the magically summoned hippo nuzzles Moxie and disappears with a POOF!
Pan surveys the glade. “What a mess.”
She’s right. It looks like a gang of angry gnomes had a weeklong piñata party in this place.
It’s not pretty. But we stand victorious.
And yet danger still lurks. Because we hear the fluttering of insect wings behind us.
We turn, hammer, staff, and spells at the ready.
But it’s just our employer.
Ephemera. The pixie.
CHAPTER TWO
Ephemera claps her tiny hands enthusiastically.
“You did it!” Ephemera cries. “I was certain you would meet your doom!”
“We get that a lot,” Pan says.
“Such wee folk you are!” Ephemera cries.
“Did she just call us wee?” I ask. She’s, like, four inches tall.
“But I thought, ‘Give them a chance,’” the pixie says with a shrug.
“We’re glad you did,” I say.
“I thought, ‘If they die, they die.’”
“Wait … what?” I look at Moxie.
“But you did it!” The pixie loops through the air in joy. “For you have vanquished the spindernots that plagued thes
e fair woods. Once again, the Sparkly Grove shall be a haven of peace for the creatures of the forest!”
“We apologize for the mess,” Pan says.
“Fear not,” Ephemera says with a giggle. She produces a tiny wand and flutters around the grove, waving it merrily. Glittering dust drops to the forest floor.
The ground rustles. Quivers. Tufts of grass sprout, blotting all traces of the stampeding hippo. Vines shoot forth and blanket the fallen tree trunk, spindernots, and banana peels alike. Flowers bloom, leaving behind only green and white.
Bizzy, our giant bee companion, flutters around happily, poking her bumbly nose into the flowers.
Ephemera hovers over the trunk of the fallen tree. “It is always a tragedy when an ancient one falls to violence,” the pixie says softly. “But life carries on!”
She slowly opens her hand. Her palm holds a tiny glowing speck. My ring of magic detection quivers in response. Whatever this thing is, it’s magical. The pixie lovingly places the speck in the dirt. She covers it. A gentle stream of glistening water pours from the tip of her wand.
“Stand back,” she whispers excitedly. “Watch what happens!”
We back away cautiously. The ground rumbles. The dirt churns. Suddenly an enormous tree shoots out of the ground. Leaves sprout. Branches soar. In a matter of seconds a colossal tree more than a hundred feet tall replaces the fallen one.
Canaries and robins emerge from the woods to nest in the new tree. Chipmunks scamper and titter from nearby grass tufts. All signs of our fight have disappeared. Pan sighs happily as neatness is restored around her.
Ephemera turns to us eagerly. “And now! Kneel and receive your reward, heroes!”
We kneel. She flits before us and bestows a soft kiss upon each of our foreheads.
* * *
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Kissed by a Pixie!
(200 Experience Points Awarded)
* * *
“For service to Ephemera of the Woods, I offer this small treasure.” She waves her tiny wand. Three small pouches drop to the ground before us, tinkling with the sweet sound of gold nuggets.
Payment, as promised. We each grab a pouch and tuck it away. It would be rude to count it. Pixies are touchy like that.
“Now rise, friends of the Sparkly Grove,” Ephemera coos. “The forest wishes to express its thanks.”
Moxie looks at the trees uncertainly. “Um … you’re welcome, forest.”
“No, silly dwarf!” Ephemera giggles, fluttering to a landing on the end of Pan’s bo staff. “Hold out your hand, fair monk,” she whispers mischievously.
“A Seed of the Grove,” the pixie whispers reverently. “Place it within fresh dirt. Water it! And stand back! A mighty titanfrond tree shall spread its roots and grow, bringing the peace of the Sparkly Grove to wherever you are!”
* * *
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Receive a Weird Magical Seed!
(200 Experience Points Awarded)
* * *
Pan bows solemnly. She unclasps the jade clip from her hair and snaps open the front, carefully placing the seed into the hidden compartment. She closes it with a click.
“Thank you, Ephemera,” says Pan, returning the clip to her topknot.
“And now, farewell, my friends!” Ephemera zooms into the canopy and disappears from view. Just like that, she’s gone.
I shake my pouch, enjoying the clink-clink of gold nuggets. “I like pixies. They pay in cash.”
“And they know how to bring order from chaos,” Pan says, looking around the tidy grove appreciatively. “Everything in its place, just as it should be.”
Moxie grins and shoulders her shield and hammer. We follow her through the trees, leaving the Sparkly Grove behind us. Bizzy buzzes happily in our wake.
We soon emerge into the surrounding fields. Birds chirp. The late-summer sun sparkles playfully on Moxie’s war hammer. The war hammer she inherited from Master Redmane. Her fingers run gently along the shining runes. “It’s hard to believe it’s only been a month,” she says softly.
There’s no need to say more. We nod quietly as we walk. One month ago, our masters died in a goblin attack gone horribly wrong.
Before that, we were students at Krakentop Academy for Heroes. When the time came for us to leave Krakentop, we followed our masters and began our hero wilderness training. We watched and learned. But deep down, we dreamed of doing our own daring deeds. That’s when Master Redmane, Master Oonah, and Master Elmore were vaporized by goblin magic.
So be careful what you wish for.
The three of us had a big decision to make. Return to Krakentop in shame and disgrace? Or give this heroic adventurer thing a try on our own? You can guess which one we chose.
We were hired by the Great and Powerful Kevin to complete a mighty quest—the Quest for the Golden Lamia Fart. We fought ogres. Defeated an ettin. Vanquished a lamia. Got the fart. And saved a village.
Kevin rewarded us richly with some primo magical items.
What else did we get?
Gold. Glory. And the adoration and appreciation of some very rustic villagers.
* * *
SUPERHEROIC ACHIEVEMENT!
Recap Book 1!
(250 Experience Points Awarded)
* * *
Not too shabby for three inexperienced apprentices.
And now here we are, just one month later. Pockets fat with gold nuggets. Getting hired by pixies. Kicking spindernot butt and taking spindernot names.
The sun is high when the town of Conklin comes into view. As we stroll into the quiet village, I stretch lazily and think about my bed at the Woozy Wyvern Inn. I’m ready for a well-earned nap.
But as we turn a corner, a shadow passes over the sun. Something lies in wait for us outside the inn.
It leaps on us. A creature from the darkest bogs. Slippery blue skin. Unblinking orange eyes.
Moxie turns to defend herself. But the creature has its slimy arms around her. And it squeezes.
And Moxie squeezes back.
For this creature is … a phibling.
His name is TickTock.
And he’s a hugger.
CHAPTER THREE
His name is TickTock. And he’s a hugger.
TickTock is the amphibian assistant to the Great and Powerful Kevin. On our last adventure, the little phibling proved to be inventive, resourceful, and a good friend.
“Hello, TickTock,” says Pan, hugging the phibling warmly. “What are you doing here?”
“TickTock looks for Hammer-girl, elf-girl, and Fart-boy!” he cries. “The Great and Powerful Kevin is having a dangerous new quest. Is sending TickTock to get baby heroes!”
“I’m not really crazy about that term,” I tell him with a sniff. “I just flung banana peels from my hands. Can a baby do that?”
“A baby monkey can,” whispers Pan.
Moxie grins and turns to the phibling. “Well, lucky for Kevin, the baby heroes just finished up a job destroying a whole messload of spindernots.”
Pan nods. “So I believe we are available.”
As we follow the phibling, I have the eerie feeling that this quest is going to require all of our skill and power. I just hope I’m ready.
The Great and Powerful Kevin is waiting for us when we arrive. He pushes back the hood of his super-ominous robe. He locks onto us with his super-ominous eyes. He sets down his super-ominous lemonade. “What’s up, dorks?”
“You tell us,” says Pan, eyeing the tower and fidgeting with her necklace. “You called us here.”
“What, no ‘Hello’?” he asks, looking hurt. “No ‘How have you been, Kevin’? No ‘How’s the family’?” He snorts and waves away the thought. “Straight to business, elf. I dig it.”
Rising to his feet, he cracks his back and itches his ample tummy. “Come on inside,” he says, squinting at Moxie’s armor. “Your shininess is blinding me out here.”
Kevin twirls dramatically and leads us
into the tower. “I’ve got another quest that needs your heroic attention.” We pass the front room full of TickTock’s mechanical inventions. Go down a long hall. Around a dark corner. As we pass a staircase, a piercing voice echoes down from the rafters.
“KEVIN! WHO IS HERE?”
“Nobody!” he yells up the stairs. “Just some friends!”
“MAKE HASTE! YOU HAVE CHORES TO PERFORM!”
“Okay! Sheesh!”
He shakes his head in annoyance and leads us into a spooky chamber. Torches flicker dimly from the walls, casting long, eerie shadows across dozens of horrifying statues. Some are small. Some loom over us. But they are all statues of one thing.
Monsters.
“Oh my gosh!” says Moxie. “This is the coolest place I’ve ever seen!”
Of course it is. This girl has never met a creature covered in deadly teeth and super-weird tentacle thingies that she didn’t find fascinating.
“You likey?” asks Kevin, grinning. “I call it my Monster Museum. Or maybe Monster Menagerie. Gosh, now that I say it out loud, I don’t think I ever fully decided on a name.”
“Monster Museum gets very dusty,” groans TickTock. “Takes TickTock hours to clean.”
Kevin shakes his head. “Don’t bellyache, TickTock. Nobody likes a whiner.”
“Not bellyaching,” TickTock clarifies. “Stating helpful facts about dust.”
Moxie is already pulling out her favorite book: Buzzlock’s Big Book of Beasts.
“I know this,” she says, pointing to a large statue of a bull-headed man. “That’s a minotaur.”